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Duke Nukem and Hulk Hogan's Fantastic Adventure 9
One day, it was a lazy Saturday evening in Duke City. Duke, Hulk, and Brook were all sitting around the apartment. Soulja Boy was supposed to be around today, too, but no one knew where he was. Anyway, Duke proclaimed "Man, my ass itches from sitting here all day long! I need to scratch those asscheeks!" "Good idea!" said Hulk. "Do you need any help?" "...I'll be fine, but thanks, bro" Duke responded. Brook was lounging around and then he turned on Duke's 52" 16:9 widescreen high definition television set. The Preakness was on. In case you don't know what that is, it's like some horse race or some shit like that. They were holding it in Duke City this year! "Yo ho ho, do you guys wanna go watch the Preakness?" asked Brook. Duke and Hulk shrugged in agreement. They didn't have anything better to do. "Sure. We should bring Luke too," said Duke. "Hulk, do you think John would like to see the Preakness?" Hulk said "I dunno, that kid is a real weirdo. But maybe if I tell him the horses wrestle, he'll be interested!" So Hulk called his nephew, and a half hour later, John arrived at the apartment in a taxi. "Uncle Hulk! I'm almost done with my new book, Bad People Liberation II! Do you want an autographed copy of the rough draft?" "...No thanks, John, I'll wait for the finished copy!" Hulk responded. So John pissed his pants in disappointment, and went to walk out of the apartment. However, he tripped over nothing, and his rough draft flew out of his hands and into Duke's 52" television!! This resulted in the TV being broken as fuck. So, Duke began to RAGE, and was about to fuck up John. But then Luke, who Duke had called earlier, walked in. "Hewwo, Uncwle Duke!" he greeted his uncle. Suddenly, Duke's heart was warmed. How could he be mad after seeing his unintelligent nephew greet him? He cooled down, and said "Okay, is everyone ready?" Everybody was indeed ready except for Brook, who said "Wait a minute, guys! Where's Soulja Boy?" "I'm sure he and the Sci-Fi Brothers are at the Preakness!" said Duke. "Yo ho ho, do you know that for sure?" asked Brook. "No, but let's split!" said Duke. So Dukey barked and leaped off the couch and ran to the Duke Mobile, with Duke, Hulk, Brook, Luke and John behind him. Dukey hopped into the driver's seat, everyone else hopped in the back, and off they went! Luke put his hand up in the air. Everyone except John chuckled. "Luke, you're not in school, just say what you have to say!" said Duke. "Okay. Well, my dad is gonna let me get a fewwet. I weely like fewwets," said Luke. They all pretended to act interested. So anyway, the gang arrived at the Duke City Race Track, and there were tens of thousands of people there! "Holy shit!" said Duke. "How the hell are we going to find parking?" Dukey drove around for 40 minutes, but couldn't find a single open parking spot. "HNNNGHGH!" John exclaimed, doing his trademark twiddling. "Uh oh, guys, we have to think of a plan! All this driving around is getting John a little anxious!" said Hulk. Duke had a brilliant plan! "How about you and John just get out here and enjoy the races, and the rest of us will keep Dukey company until he finds a spot. We'll meet you guys later." So Hulk and John departed, and a few minutes later, Luke decided "I wanna watch da waces too!" Duke told him "You can go catch up with Hulk and John if you want," so Luke got out to go find them. "Uh oh... I don't know which way dey went!" Luke realized! But the Duke Mobile was out of sight by then, too. Luke had to find his way on his own! Meanwhile, Hulk and John found two empty seats. Just two. They were the only seats left in the entire place! So they sat down. But what a coincidence, they were seated right next to the Sci-Fi Brothers! "SCI-FI! McBALDY! UPLOAD!" said Hulk, glad to see his friends. "Hey Hulk! You guys here to watch the Preakness?" asked Sci-Fi. "You bet your ass we are, brother! Oh hey, have you guys seen Soulja Boy around here?" The Sci-Fi Brothers shook their heads in unison. "me not see him today" said Upload. At that moment, jets flew over Duke City Race Track. Sci-Fi pulled out his camera and recorded it. So then Luke managed to find his way to where Hulk, John and the Sci-Fi Brothers were. But there were no more seats! So he was gonna have to sit on someone's lap. So he sat on Upload's lap, because Upload is Upload and didn't really care about someone doing an act that could be deemed as homo. The races were getting ready to start, and if the others weren't quick enough, they'd miss out on the start of the horse action! Meanwhile, a mysterious figure was lurking in the shadows, behind where the horses were lining up. Who the hell could it be? Well, hold onto your ballsacks, you'll find out soon enough. Anyway, the guy who fires the gun was standing where he usually stands. And the guy over the speaker was like "ON YOUR MARK... GET SET... GO!" and the guy fired the gun, and the horses started running. But the mysterious figure started running behind the horses! John squinted and gasped. "Uncle Hulk, isn't that...?!" Hulk looked through his binoculars. Sure enough, it was. "Oh dear Stell... IT'S GEORGE!!" said Hulk. "Come on guys, we gotta stop him before he rapes one of those poor defenseless horses!" said Hulk. Hulk, John, Luke, and the Sci-Fi Brothers jumped over the railing, chasing after George. Meanwhile, back in the parking lot, there was a bit of an issue! Dukey had crashed the Duke Mobile into one of the parked cars. The Duke Mobile was unscathed, because it's the fucking Duke Mobile, but the other car was not so lucky. "Shit, guys!" yelled Duke. "This isn't just any ol' car... Take a look around, this is the fanciest car in the lot! It clearly belongs to someone rich and important! If they find out who did this, they'll have our figurative asses on a figurative plate!" So Brook started screaming. "OH NO!!! WE HAVE TO DESTROY THE CAR AND PUSH IT INTO A RIVER OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!" suggested Brook. "No, Brook, that won't--" Duke gasped and pointed out the window. Out in front of the parking lot, there was a big display showing the race. Hulk and friends were clearly visible, and the announcer guy who usually says what horses are in what position was even talking about it! Duke, Brook and Dukey looked at each other, shitting their pants. Well, Dukey wasn't wearing any pants, but you know what I mean. They were in deep shit. So then, they decided they needed to get rid of the car first. Luckily, a Muslim happened to be walking by. Duke quickly went up to him and tried to strike up a bargain with him. "Hey, sand nigger! Do you have any bombs on you?" Duke asked. "Well, duh," said the Muslim. Duke directed the Muslim in the direction of the car. "Blow this fucker sky-high!" said Duke. "What do I get in return?" asked the Muslim. "Ummm... I'll let you marry my slutty wife?" asked Brook. "Deal," said the Muslim, whilst shaking hands with Brook. Duke, Brook and Dukey all stood back. The Muslim stood next to the demolished car and ignited the bomb and it went off. He forgot that it was strapped onto his chest, so he died. "Shit!!" yelled Brook. "It's okay," exclaimed Duke. "He was probably on the government's hitlist anyway," he continued. Then Duke rubbed his chin. His friends were going to have to face an angry mob for disrupting the race, even though it was all George Hogan's fault! Duke snapped his fingers. "I got it! We'll put the Duke Mobile into flight mode, and fly it over the racetrack. Then we'll find a way to stop George, and when all's said and done, everyone else can pile into the Duke Mobile before they get attacked by an angry mob!" "Yo ho ho! Sounds like a plan!" said Brook. "But still, where's Soulja Boy?" "Ah, we'll find out where he is later. Are you ready, Dukey?" Dukey barked in agreement. So, they got into the Duke Mobile. It went into its flight mode, and they went flying to the track. When they got there, they descended, and were right behind Hulk and the rest of the gang. The announcer guy then announced that a UFO has now joined in on the race. The crowd panicked. "A UFO?!!!" they yelled. Security brought out their weapons. They began firing at the Duke Mobile, but however, they shot some of the horses. The horses flew towards the ground, with fountains of shit spiraling out of their asses, into the air and onto the windshield of the Duke Mobile. Then, Hulk and the gang climbed onto the Duke Mobile. "Glad you're okay, brother!" said Duke, as he and Hulk brofisted. "We still need to stop George somehow!" said Hulk. But then they realized... George had hopped onto the Duke Mobile, too! "Uncle George! HNNNNGHGHGH" exclaimed John. No one could tell if John was excited or terrified of his Uncle George, because "HHNGNHGH!" can mean many things. Anyway, the gang all looked at George, waiting for him to say something. But instead he just looked out the window to the horses and rubbing his nether region sexually. The gang inched slowly away from him. "this guy weird" said Upload. Wow, if Upload's saying that, then you know this guy's fucked up! Anyway, the Duke Mobile was just hovering there, while people were jumping out of their seats, making their way toward it. "UNCLE DUUUKE, I'M SCAOWED!!" yelled Luke, tears running down his face. So then, Brook said "Yo ho, hasn't anyone noticed there's shit on the fucking windshield?" Duke looked and said "Who cares about that? Hasn't anyone noticed George brought a fucking HORSE on board of the Duke Mobile?!" The gang then turned around and noticed the horse. It was just standing there minding its own business until George walked over to it and got down on his knees. He spat into each of his hands and then rubbed them together ferociously. "Ohhh brother..." said Hulk. George then began to stimulate the horse. The horse was squinting, but was grinning from ear to ear. As terrible as it was, the gang couldn't turn away. Duke then realized this would result in horse juice getting all over inside of his vehicle, so he yelled "Dukey! Get us the fuck out of here!" Dukey then went "Arf!" So, Duke opened the emergency door on the bottom of the Duke Mobile. Just before the horse hit its climax, he stuck the horse's cock outside of it. The Duke Mobile was flying over the crowd as it happened and it rained horse jizz all over them. Its interference with the sun's light caused a rainbow to come from the Duke Mobile as it flew off into the distance. The crowd cheered and tossed money into the air. Then, Dukey barfed from all the commotion, but that was no problem, because he just started drinking his own vomit. So then, as they were leaving, everyone sat in awkward silence, except for John, who was crying, because he got some horse semen in his eye. Finally, Hulk spoke up, and said "STOP BLUBBERING, JOHN! It's humiliating! The choice to come with us on this adventure was your own. Where you end up, or what you get in your eye, is your own fault and no one else's! We gave it our best to get the horse semen out of the Duke Mobile. I have no pity for crybabies! If you're a man... THEN ACT LIKE ONE, AND SEE THIS THROUGH TO THE END!" Everyone stared. "Damn, Hulk... chill out, bro" said Duke. "Yeah, sorry, brother. I kind of always wanted to say that," Hulk said. So then Brook was getting extremely upset. "SOULJA BOY'S MY BEST FRIEND!! AND HE'S MISSING!!!!!" yelled Brook. Hulk put a reassuring hand on Brook's shoulder. "Don't worry, brother, we'll go look for him." Brook sniffled. "Thanks... my eyes are getting all watery... but then again I don't have any eyes! YO HO HO! SKULL JOOOOOOOOOKE!!" The gang laughed hysterically, even though it wasn't as funny as that time they were chasing Robin Williams' elephant to save McBaldy and Luke's pants. Anyway, Duke pulled a device known as the "Soulja Radar" out of his pocket. According to it, Soulja Boy was at a strip club. The same strip club Lotso was at back in the day! "He's at a strip club, Brook!" said Duke. "Yo ho! That sounds kinda good right about now!" said Brook. "Yeah, it's been a little over a week since a woman sat on my gargantuan cock. Let's go!" said Hulk. So, since Upload licked all the horse shit off the windshield, Dukey was able to see where the fuck he was flying the Duke Mobile. They got to the strip club, and they saw Soulja Boy rapping up on stage, with five women climbing all over him. Duke shook a little upon entering the establishment. "What's wrong, Mr. Nukem?" asked John. "I have this overwhelming sense of nostalgia right now. I remember coming here a long time ago and eating a teddy bear by mistake. What was his name again? Uh..." "IT WAS LATOS!" said Sci-Fi. The gang all nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that was it!" said Duke. So anyway, Soulja Boy spotted his friends and invited them up on stage. "Ladies and gents, dese niggas be mah homies, yo! Yo guys, anyone wanna take da mic?" John immediately seized the opportunity to present some of his poetry, in rap form. He grabbed the mic and began to rap. "My name is John and I'm a writer! But my mom says I'm not a fighter! My daddy died because of his heart! It smells bad when people fart!" The crowd began to boo, and George heard a stripper wearing clicky shoes walk by. It reminded him of the clippity-clop of a horse walking! George closed his eyes and pulled down his pants, and started fapping furiously. Women were jumping up and trying to catch every last cumdrop. Meanwhile, Soulja Boy was staring in confusion. "Wait, who da fuck is dat muddafug?" he asked. "Huh? You mean George?" asked Hulk. "Yeah son, the bizzle spraying my audience," said Soulja Boy. "Uhh... let's just say he's a relative of John and I," said Hulk. John was getting bombarded with tomatoes whilst George was getting bombarded with panties and bras. All of a sudden the wall began to crack. Before anyone knew it, something busted through the wall! "HIT THE DECK!!" yelled Duke. Debris was all over. The smoke began to clear and a huge figure with someone on top of it was starting to become visible. Why, it was none other than Robin Williams and The Elephant! "ROBIN WILLIAMS!!!" cheered the gang. "Hey hey guys hey hey yo hey hey what's up?" said Robin Williams. They all ran over. "Whew, that was close. For a second I thought you were a villain," said Duke. "Yeah. It seems like every month or so, we have to fight some villain. It's like a recurring theme!" said Hulk. "Naw, we're just here to see some TIDDAYS! Right, The Elephant?!" The Elephant cheered. This scared McBaldy and Luke, who ran out to the Duke Mobile. So then, McBaldy came back and announced that he proposed to a woman inside of the strip club! The whole gang was shocked and happy for him at the same time. "Who is the lucky lady, McBrother?!" asked Hulk. The crowd cleared around him, and the woman stepped out from behind him (see image on the right). The gang looked for her and didn't see her. McBaldy pointed towards his feet. Then when the gang spotted her, they all barfed. Dukey ran around drinking up everyone's vomit. McBaldy frowned. "You don't think she's attractive?!" he said. "I-It's not that, McBaldy! There's a bug going around here!" said Duke. "I don't believe that for a second!" said McBaldy. "me think she not attractive" said Upload. This sent the woman into a rage, and she started foaming at the mouth. "OH SHIT!" yelled McBaldy. Then, Soulja Boy, who hadn't been paying attention to this whole conversation, noticed the raging woman at McBaldy's feet, and mistook her for a basketball. "Yo, whose up for shootin' some hoops?" Soulja Boy dribbled the woman, and passed her to John, who thought she was a volleyball. So he passed her to George, who happened to still be masturbating, who happened to think she was a baseball (somehow), so he used his erection to hit her. She flew towards Upload. She landed on him, which knocked him down, and began to perform many sexual acts upon him. Upload was screaming as if he was being killed!" "HELP!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!" he yelled. Nobody helped because they didn't want to get between a foaming midget and a flaming homo. Upload managed to swap/swop his Sonic hat out for his Super Sonic hat, and blew her away as soon as he activated his aura! She flew back towards McBaldy who caught her. She began to calm down. He handed her to John, who started to affectionately breastfeed her. Upload swapped his Super Sonic hat out and put on his normal Sonic hat. All was calm again. So Hulk asked how he proposed to her. "Well, when I was on my way out, I spotted her and, well, it was love at first sight," said McBaldy. Then a guy with a top hat, monocle, and a curly mustache dropped in through the ceiling. "MUA HA HA! I AM DR. CRAZYPANTS! I WILL DESTROY DUKE CITY!" said Dr. Crazypants. But Duke snapped his neck and he died. So, after that, everyone turned their attention backed to Midget Bitch, because her and McBaldy were in the process of creating their first child. "HNGNNGHGHGH!" exclaimed John. "My mom said that's bad if you're not married!" So John alerted a priest of the atrocious sin that was going on, because a priest was at the strip club for some reason. The priest said "Hmm, you look awfully familiar. Wait... you're the retarded boy who punched me because I told you to eat something more nutritious!" The memories came flooding back to John, who became enraged. "OH GOD NO! HE'S GOING INTO OVERLOAD!" Hulk panicked. John then exploded. And I don't mean he himself exploded, but he like, caused an explosion to happen around him. So the strip club was destroyed. Our heroes, though, were unscathed, of course. And the strippers were wearing parachutes, and I could see them, so they were okay. The strippers were angry that their home had been destroyed, and started advancing towards John. But then, he started doing the twiddly thumb thing with his nose, and all the strippers jumped him at once. This caught Soulja Boy's attention. He threw off his clothes and jumped into the crowd of angry strippers. Brook did the exact same. An orgy was surfacing. McBaldy's penis was scratching against the walls of the Midget Bitch's midget bitch vagina. The Midget Bitch then let out a groan that made the whole gang cringe, but McBaldy thought it was sexy for some reason. Then, Duke said "Everybody, quick! To the Duke Mobile!" Hulk questioned "But what about Soulja Boy and Brook and McBaldy?" to which Duke responded "Oh, their fight with the strippers is pretty much turning into an orgy anyway, they'll have a good time here!" So everyone else ran back to the Duke Mobile, when they made a realization! Luke, who had run out to the Duke Mobile with McBaldy before he found Midget Bitch, was now nowhere to be found! Duke began to panic. "Oh no! My unintelligent nephew! What could have happened to him?" So Hulk gasped and pointed to a very tall skyscraper nearby. Duke looked up and gasped as well. Luke was climbing the very tall skyscraper! Without a helmet, harness, or anything! And he's a bit of a klutz! "Holy SHIT!" yelled Duke. This surprised Luke, so he lost his grip and began to fall. But then Duke's hair became taller and taller! It reached all the way to the skyscraper! "LUKE! GRAB MY HAIR!!" shouted Duke. Luke complied, and Duke's tall hair broke his fall. Luke climbed back down to safety, as random people on the streets applauded Duke's heroism. "Whew, that was close!" said Hulk. Duke was getting ready to reprimand Luke, but then, Soulja Boy, Brook, McBaldy, and Midget Bitch were running towards the Duke Mobile, followed by the mob of angry strippers. Soulja Boy yelled to the gang "YO, GET THE ENGINE READY! WE GOTTA GET DA FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!" So the gang hopped in and Dukey turned on the Duke Mobile, and as soon as Soulja Boy, Brook, McBaldy, and Midget Bitch hopped in, they sped away. "Shit, guys, what happened with the orgy?" Duke asked. Soulja Boy explained "Da ho' I was fuckin' had a stank-ass pussy! I asked her to clean it, all polite and shit, and she flipped da fuck out! And den all da other hoes flipped out too, and before ya know it, da whole mob of 'em be chasing us!" Hulk said, "Wow, what a bunch of crazies. They shouldn't have gotten offended. You did the right thing, Soulja Boy, practicing vaginal hygiene is very important!" Midget Bitch chimed in, "Yeah, I keep a very clean vagina!" Duke turned around and told Midget Bitch "Hey, listen, we do NOT want to hear about your basketball vagina." So, Midget Bitch started foaming at the mouth again. Then her eyes rolled to the back of her head, and her hair stood up like she'd been struck by lightning. "HOLY FUCK, GET RID OF IT!!" yelled Hulk. "NOOOO!!" protested McBaldy, but Soulja Boy rolled down the window, tossed Midget Bitch out, and rolled it back up. McBaldy was almost in tears at this point. "Kevin, that thing was possessed or something. You'll find another woman!" Sci-Fi said, reassuring his brother. Duke then said "Oh yeah, Luke. It's time I give you a reprimanding you'll never forget!" "Uh, Duke, you should take a look at this!" said Brook, pointing out the window. Midget Bitch was running behind the Duke Mobile at incredible speed! "Shit shit!" said Soulja Boy. "Well, maybe she can't fly. Enable flight mode, Dukey!" commanded Duke. "Woof!" said Dukey, and the Duke Mobile took to the skies. But Midget Bitch jumped up, and when she landed, she bounced back up, at the height of the Duke Mobile! "SHIT! She's like some kind of a super-basketball!" exclaimed Hulk. "Can't you catch her and throw her far away, Soulja Boy?" he asked. "DA FUCK!? You just assume I'm good at basketball just cuz I'm black? Dat's so racis', man." "Oh... uh, sorry," Hulk responded embarrassedly, hanging his head in shame. Midget Bitch kept bouncing and bouncing, getting closer to the Duke Mobile. "Oh no, we're dooooooomed! DOOOOOOOMED!" Luke cried frantically, while John went "HHHHNNNNNGHHH" like there was no tomorrow. Meanwhile, George, who had been masturbating this whole time, ejaculated. His semen shot hit Midget Bitch, popping her! She flattened like a punctured basketball, and blew away in the wind. Then Midget Bitch used George's semen to her advantage and created a type of adhesive to patch herself up. She used Gear Third to inflate her body back to her normal basketball size. She then squeezed some air out of her asshole, which propelled her up into the sky after the Duke Mobile yet again! "Damn it, I knew George's cumshot was too anti-climactic!" yelled Hulk. Duke and some of the gang decided to take matters into their own hands. They got out onto the wings. Duke and Hulk were then on one wing, and Soulja Boy and Brook were on the other. Their arms were crossed and they looked really badass. Midget Bitch was closing in. Then Duke went into his Tall Hair form once again, and Hulk's Stachefists of Fury came back. Midget Bitch then landed on the wing. They leaped forward and started punching Midget Bitch at the speed of light. Soulja Boy and Brook were the only ones who could see it. Unfortunately, Midget Bitch had her arms crossed and was dodging every punch. Then she kicked Hulk in the balls. "HULK!!!" yelled Duke. You see, Hulk is strong, but he doesn't have balls of steel like his best buddy, so he is vulnerable down there. Midget Bitch was going to use this opportunity to inflict some pain on Duke, but she was then sliced across the face by Brook's sword. "Yo yo, Brook man, you got skills!" said Soulja Boy. So then, she looked at Brook and hissed. She went after Soulja Boy for some reason instead, though. Soulja Boy then leapt into the air, initiated Kaio-Ken and started knocking her around like some sort of volleyball. Duke, Hulk and Brook cheered. Soulja Boy then yelled "YO HULK, YA READY?" And Hulk yelled "YOU BET YOUR BLACK, TATTOOED ASS I AM!!!" so Soulja Boy spiked her to Hulk. Hulk spiked her to Brook, who then spiked her to Duke. When it got to Duke, however, he jumped up into the air. "DUKE NUKEM... SPIKEBALL!!!" yelled Duke, and then spiked her down towards the ground as hard as he could. Midget Bitch managed to break the sound barrier from Tall Hair Duke's intense spike. Then McBaldy started crying hysterically. "THEY'RE KILLING MY FIANCEE!" he yelled. Luke was showing John his artwork, like the drawing of a ram trying to fight with a stuffed ram in a taxidermy museum of sorts. Oh yeah, back to McBaldy. "he muchly isn't watching this fight" said Upload. "For once, Nick is right. She was trying to kill our friends, Kev! Why do you still care about her?" asked Sci-Fi. But McBaldy had had enough. He jumped out onto the wing and grabbed Duke. "WHY, DUKE?! WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO MY FIANCEE?!" he screamed. The Midget Bitch then looked up and shot a beam of fire from her mouth, which hit McBaldy. Everyone gasped. McBaldy was fine, but the few hairs he was starting to sprout had burned off. He was completely bald again. Duke then realized that his balls of steel had been a little too close to Midget Bitch's beam of fire, and they were slightly melted. "OH SHIT GUYS, MY BALLS OF STEEL! We need to go to the ballatologist, NOW!" So Dukey sped the Duke Mobile and prepared to land at the ballatologist office. McBaldy sobbed, realizing that they may be leaving his fiancee for good, but it didn't matter, however. McBaldy's bitching wouldn't change the outcome. When Midget Bitch hit the ground shortly after shooting her bitch beam, she exploded. Her remains were splattered all over the pavement which various hobos were feeding upon. So yeah, his fiancee was pretty much dead. "Don't worry, buddy. I can get you any attractive woman you want 'cause hey I'm Duke Nukem!" said Duke. McBaldy then said "I don't want any attractive woman! I want Midget Bitch!" A D-shaped vein popped on Duke's forehead. He then started smacking McBaldy across the face several times. "Yo ho, what's he doing?" asked Brook. "He's smacking some sense into McBaldy," said Hulk. Finally, Duke stopped. McBaldy had several handprints on his face. "I.... I'm sorry, Duke..." said McBaldy. "Aww, that's okay, I-- OH SHIT! I never reprimanded Luke! Will you guys do it for me?" asked Duke. Hulk, Brook and Soulja Boy nodded, while Duke leaped off the Duke Mobile and ran into the ballatologist. So, Duke landed directly in front of a ballatologist. "Convenient," he exclaimed. He entered. A bunch of guys were inside with their balls hanging out. Duke put a metal plate over his ass. He walked up to the counter. "Hi, how may I help you?" asked the woman behind the desk. "My balls of steel kind of got melted. Can you help me?" Duke asked. The woman behind the desk then said "Sure, come right this way, please." Duke followed and was staring at her huge ass the whole time. He began to get an erection, but that hurt his balls! Duke groaned and fell to the ground in pain. The nurse came and leaned over to see if Duke was okay. Her cleavage was in his face. His balls were in intense pain. "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!" he yelled. He picked her up and then ripped her in half. "I need to find a man or an ugly woman to help," he said. So he walked back out into the waiting room and a big Afro-American wearing latex gloves was there. "Mr. Nukem, close your eyes!" said the big Afro-American. "O-okay, but... you are a doctor, right?" asked Duke. "Of course," said the Afro-American. Duke squeezed his eyes shut, and then felt a finger enter his bunghole! Duke opened his eyes, picked up the Afro-American and threw him through the wall in rage. All of the patients ran out in fear. But strangely, Duke's balls had healed! Was it because the Afro-American invaded Duke's bunghole, or did they heal on their own? Who knows. Anyway, Duke walked back out to the Duke Mobile, where the gang was inside enjoying a game of Yahtzee, and Luke was outside humping one of the back tires. When Duke had entered, the gang was finishing up their last game. "Hey, are your balls okay, brother?" asked Hulk. "Of course they are," said Duke. "What now" said Upload. Duke rubbed his chin and said "Did you guys reprimand Luke?" The gang all nodded. "Did he cry?" asked Duke. The gang all nodded. "Good. I hate to be so hard on him, but I don't want anything to happen to him," explained Duke. He then called Luke, who stopped humping the tire, gave his uncle a hug, and climbed back into the Duke Mobile. "So what now, y'all?" asked Soulja Boy. Duke suggested that they go back to his apartment for a game of Twister. The gang thought it sounded like a good idea. Since Duke is Duke Nukem, Disney sent him a copy of the Blu-ray edition of The Lion King months in advance. The gang sat on Duke's big, comfy couch and watched it while eating the gooeyist, cheesiest, manly stuffed crust pizza ever. It was ordered from Duke's Pizza located in Duke City. Duke didn't own the pizza place, though. It was just named after him and six star chefs were hired straight from Italy to make the best pizza in the world to please Duke and his pals. I don't know why I mentioned that part. I guess I must be hungry. I mean, doesn't that sound good? Er, anyway, the gang then finished watching The Lion King, and turned off the Blu-ray player. My Little Pony was on. George's dick ripped through his pants, and he started fapping furiously. "Whoa, he's attracted to ponies too?" asked Duke. "Well, ponies are young horses, so yeah," said Hulk. "Wait y'all, I thought ponies were a different animal altogetha?" asked Soulja Boy. "Yo ho ho, no, they're young horses!" said Brook. Everyone began to argue angrily, but then George's cumshot nearly flooded Duke's apartment. The gang went silent. "...Uh, Hulk, if you don't mind, I don't ever want to hang out with this freak again," whispered Duke. Hulk nodded. "Say George, brother, why don't you go down to Duke City Race Track? There's still some horses there!" suggested Hulk. George ran out the door. So, after cleaning up George's semen, the gang brought out the Twister mat and began to play. John, having never had friends, had no idea what Twister was, and thought he was seeing spots. "Guy, what is this? WHAT IS THIS??" and began to freak out. Duke knew just what to do. "Here, John, you can just watch some wrestling on my TV!" "But I broke your TV earlier!" John reminded him. "....FUCK, you're right. Well here, play with these action figures of myself, you can pretend I'm a wrestler. And that there are two of me. Yeah." So, in the meantime, everyone else played Twister, and wound up in some really awkward positions! "Uncwle Duke, I don't feewl comftorbowe with Bwook's hand so cwose to my pwivate parts!" So Duke said "I'm sorry, Luke. But I'll tell ya what. If you win this game, I'll buy you a ferret!" Luke's face lit up. "Alwight!" he said, determined to win. So, during Luke's next move, he fucked up. He fell. His dreams of owning a new ferret were crushed. He began sobbing like a SOB. "Man, yo, look what'chu did bra!" said Soulja Boy. Luke was still crying. Upload got on all fours and began licking his tears up like a dog. Then Duke said "Luke, don't worry..." and everyone heard a small critter squeaking. It was muffled, though. Luke looked around. "Luke, go look in the bathroom!" said Duke. Luke got up excitedly and opened the bathroom door, and splashing around in the toilet was a little ferret! Luke put his arms out and the ferret ran right up to him. Luke came out of the bathroom. "THANK YEEEEW, UNCWLE DUUUKE!" said Luke. "No problem, buddy! So what are you going to call him?" asked Duke. "LUKEY!!" responded Luke. "Haha, real original! Take your name and add a 'y' at the end! Right, Dukey?" said Duke. Dukey groaned. The whole gang burst into laughter. That day, the Duke & Hulk Gang got a new member. It was a beautiful thing. I wonder what new adventures they'll have? Who knows! I'm sure Lukey will be with the Duke & Hulk Gang for a long, long time. And hey, maybe Luke and John will have an adventure of their own someday! Anything is possible! Until next time........ THE END.